Following Like a Lady:
By Joe
Donato, all rights reserved, © 2007
Every woman will agree that what she needs from a man
is for him to be a strong leader. But if that’s true, then what is it exactly that
the man needs from the woman? You guessed it; a strong follower. They are two totally different sets of
skills, and two totally different mindsets.
One requires immediate action, commitment and confidence, while the
other requires patience and willing submission to the will of another. But how can a woman be patient and submissive
to a leader who is not quite confident and assertive (At least not yet)?
When a man invites you to dance, he is supposed to
first extend the invitation to dance.
Once you accept, he is supposed to create his frame. And once his frame is created, it is the
woman’s job to step into his frame, and stay there. But what if his frame is wavering (as it will
be prone to do), what do you do then?
It has often been said that when a man steps on a
woman’s feet it is usually the woman’s fault for not getting her feet out of
the way. But why would a woman be
thinking about getting her feet out of the way when the man hasn’t moved yet,
or worse, is too busy “waddling” around her feet already?
Here’s
how, what, and why:
There’s one thing all women can do to help the man be
a stronger leader, and to make them “shine” on the dance floor: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
“What does that mean? A woman will ask. How can I wait
when I’m supposed to me moving to the music?
“Right foot back, left foot to the side, slow, quick, quick.
I didn’t hear any “wait” in the music between beats!”
It’s like this:
In a perfect world, everything would fit together perfectly. When you’re
dancing with a professional, it’s a completely different experience than
dancing with a novice or a new dancer. But a professional needs a woman to
wait, just as much as the amateurs and we need you to “wait” in two ways.
First off, as a woman’s experience as a dancer
matures, she will learn that instead of obeying the music and the pattern, what
she really needs to learn to obey is the man’s momentum. This means that after
each and every weight change onto the next foot, she will wait, until she feels her body being led to the next
step. When men are learning to dance, they don’t always have the rhythm down
instantly. As a matter of fact, I’ve seen some men, who have no rhythm at all,
still dance with confidence. They go twice as fast as they should in the waltz,
and they don’t wait at all on the 4th beat when dancing salsa. But the one thing they have is a very strong
frame. And when the women follows his lead, there is
always a smile on her face, and the two of them move around the floor as a
unit. If a man has no prior musical experience, rhythm will tend to be one of
the last things on the list of priorities for a man to master. But if the woman
can learn to wait to feel for the man’s signal, she will not have to worry much
about rhythm at all.
The more a woman just waits to feel the man’s lead,
the more relaxed he becomes, and the sooner he can start to work on other
details, like the rhythm of the music, and his floor craft, and arm styling,
and adding new steps he just learned.
When I’m teaching a woman to follow, the first thing I
do is check her frame: I need to make
sure she is in a constant state of keeping herself “secured”, even “cradled” in
the man’s frame. The details of posture and frame do change from dance to
dance, but the fundamental concept is the same in all the dances. If the woman
is “connected” somehow to the man’s torso, when the torso moves, she will naturally follow.
The second thing I do when I’m teaching a woman to be
a good follower, is I make her close her eyes. The
whole point of this is to teach them to prioritize “feeling” over “seeing”. You
may be terrified by this prospect, but so were blind people when they first
lost their sight. Then they learned to “feel”. Many women tell me they dance
much better when they close their eyes, even though it forces them out of their
comfort zone and forces them to rely on the man’s lead.
Ladies, don’t’ get preoccupied with where you are
going. Since you are traveling backwards
most of the time, you never really have control over where you are going. But that
doesn’t mean you don’t influence the quality of the journey. Ballroom Dancing
is all about the Journey, NOT the destination. Don’t get hung up on what you
look like either. Looking good is a
bi-product of feeling good. Once it starts to feel good, you will feel
confident, and looking good is an extra added bonus.
If you stay in frame, when he moves 2.67, you move
2.67. If the toes are .475 millimeters apart when you start, they will remain
.475 millimeters apart while you dance, and when you finish your last step,
they will be .475 millimeters apart. If
they are 1.56 feet apart, when you start, then they should remain 1.56 feet
apart throughout every step, and when you finish, they will still be 1.56 feet
apart. But that happens in an environment of mutual trust.
Now with that being said, I understand that a woman
cannot really trust a man until he’s trustworthy. This is not only why private
lessons are so valuable, but also why mutual respect and communication are
necessary. But once a few basic fundamental concepts are grasped, both the man
and the woman will be sharing the “
Ever wonder why men don’t ask for directions when
driving? There are two reasons. Yes, we may be acting stubborn and strong
willed, and not want to admit “defeat”. But the other reason, is because
sometimes we are so committed to the task of “figuring things out for
ourselves” that somebody else’s advice at that point in time, albeit good
advice, will simply confuse us. (For more on this concept,
check out the Algebra,
Seinfeld, and Ballroom Dancing” article). So ladies, the other “wait” I am referring to
involves waiting before you start to try to “help” the man, by telling him what
to do.
When you see the man in front of you, sweating,
thinking, struggling, be sympathetic. Be patient. Be quiet! Focus on your own
frame. Think about feeling as opposed to looking. He may not have the lead
right this second, but he’s getting closer every 30 seconds. If you give him a
chance to finish processing all the information jumbling around in his head
without adding any more, you’ll be a valuable asset to the cause. When he is
ready, or wants advice or feedback, he will solicit it, either from you, or
from the qualified professional teaching the lesson.
Following is primarily an unconscious act. Ever catch
a football or stop a soccer ball? I read
somewhere that our brains are unconsciously performing calculus equations in
order to know exactly when and where our hands need to be to catch that ball.
If we had to do calculus equations consciously on the dance floor, it would
surely be empty. But the human body is an amazing thing, and doesn’t always
need us to tell it what to do. When the woman is securely “attached” to the
man, the slightest instinctual momentum in any direction, or even coming to a
stop from a moving position, will trigger the woman’s body to do the same
thing. That is the art of being a great follower; allowing your body to let the man’s body tell it what to do. Even
if he messes up the timing: even if he has to hesitate and think for a minute
before the next step; even if he moves forward when he should have stepped
backward, the woman will follow his mistake, and the dance will not be lost.
(For men reading this, make sure you check out “How to lead
like a man” and don’t get left behind, and/or leave the woman behind on the
dance floor).
Happy
following!
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